Shadowed Corners...

Have you ever felt cornered in Life by impactful circumstances that are so out of your control and seem to paralyze you by its force? 

Have you ever found yourself cornered by your unfulfilled yearnings that grow so deep you don’t know how to release them and move forward? 

Have you ever witnessed a loved ones corner that seems almost impossible to join because you don’t know how to stand with them? 

This year alone has reaped some hard places for myself and for so many loved ones around me. The amount of need for endurance amidst the wavering storms has felt almost impossible to attain in some of the journeys. Yet, the relentless love of the Lord to satisfy and to sustain His children has been evident thru the darkest of hours.

IN my quiet time the other day, There was a shadowing in the far corner of the room.  And I could not help but focus on the distinctly different shadowing from the light it reflected. Sage had positioned her 2 baby dolls holding hands and the light brought forth its shadow in the corner. I thought, how many times does life take us to the cornered places- and that in the shadowing of pain and of loss- that the hands holding us help us feel positioned to rest and to find our ground to step out again. 

Corners by definition:

 1- a place or angle where two or more sides meet

2- a part, region, area regarded as secluded or remote

3- force into a place or situation from which it is hard to escape. 

a place where two or more sides meet…   Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” 

a part, region, area regarded as secluded or remote…  Acts 17:26  the vivid visual of its truth just impacted me so deep: 

"And he made from one-man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place.”

Determined allotted periods…

boundaries of their dwelling place…

this reminded me that allotment and boundaries are accounted for: they have been prepared, tended to, and are intended for its growth. 

force into a place or situation from which it is hard to escape… Ps. 139:5 “You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” 

In church yesterday, we worshipped to the incredible song : “Christ all around me”. 

Above and below me

before and behind me

in every eye that sees me

Christ be all around me. 

As I sang this deep song, I thought back to that shadow in the corner and how many people I know right now who are standing in a corner in their life: in a place of great need feeling secluded, hard to escape, and needing its sides to hold them up. 

Above and below me...Before and behind me…Christ be all around me…

I believe that these corners we find ourselves in- the corners we are asked to know of those around us- the corners that we have lived in the past- that we fear before us- that these corners are hemming us in for His presence to be all around us. and I thought how am I fighting in that corner to believe in the words that as the song proclaims, ‘His life, His death, His blood was shed for every moment.” Again, Acts 17:26: there is allotted periods, boundaries for our dwelling. 

How are past corners keeping us from vulnerability with others to meet us in our place of need? How are the yearnings of the present being a tool for our refinement? How are the fears of the future holding me feeling no escape in the present? 

It is hard pressed that this year I can not count on my hands alone how many hurting, grieving hearts I am walking with in this season. 

As people find themselves in their corner or in the the corner of a loved one: 

the immense grief of tragic loss, hard releases…

Singles walking desire of marriage…

Married wrestling dissension…

Families walking infertility

Parents burdening over the parenthood demands…

missionaries transitioning cultures…

Lives shifted by moves, season changes…

elderly fighting for current purpose…

marginalized hoping to be seen, to be rescued…

Although these positions call for its different dynamics and its changing rhythms, thru each story there are similar battles at hand: 

We all face the realities to either feel hemmed in or to feel without escape. 

When we feel hemmed in, then the corner is able to meet its sides with grace and with resting ground. Its held up with sustenance. 

How can we find our corner- our hard place- our allotted period to find our ground? 

 When we let people know our story, stand with us, then the shadows of the corner take in the light of hands holding together- The corners are not forgotten. They are not without escape. They are positioned for others to join the place of need and that in “every eye that sees me, Christ be all around me.” 

Although the grieving corner is one of the easiest places to feel without escape, I have witnessed the Christ be before me voice that shouts loudly in its positioning. Being part of this corner, either in our own life, or in the lives of others- reminds us of the eternal. ITs a forced place from which it is hard to escape. Yet, when we turn our ears from the faithfulness of their stories then we risk staying cornered in our own view, allowing hopelessness to be what hems us in. But oh the richness of Ps. 73:24: You guide me in your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.” 

Love this part of the song that says, as I go, Hand of God, My defense, by my side, As I rest, breath of God fall upon, bring me Peace.”

Cornered. In my Corner. IN Your corner. 

By my side: Christ hems us in. He is all around us. There is defense for us- there is rest- there is Peace. 

Let others be part of your corner, for its a place where you can find much defense, guided counsel and may you see "Christ be all around you.”

May we be able to shout Hebrews 11: 10 in our cornered places: 

"For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.” 

You are never unsung in Christ.

Let us pray for Community : "they all joined together, constantly in prayer..." acts 1:14

These past few days, the Lord has kept me to rest on the meaning of UNSUNG: 'which has not been appreciated' and to lay aside the weights that this positioning can be in attempt to entangle my heart in its disappointments. when i think of 'not being appreciated', it does not connect to the aspect of feeling praise. For my heart, it rests in the appreciation of feeling cared for by the responses of others.

In processing thru this meaning, i think of Mary Demuth's words: "our suffering even if its endured completely alone; matters." In more lives than i can give an account, the testament of pain birthed in this year alone has been tremendous. When I think thru walking unsung, I believe that there is a distinct attack of this in many women's lives especially. The simplistic unsung moments of the mundane demands alone can over time reap a harvest of embitterment for unfulfilled dreams of a heart. It takes great intentionality to savor those moments and to not grow weary in doing good, and to rest on Christ's harvest alone and not in our merits of affirmation. Yet, in the fallenness of this world, we wrestle when others dont show up- when they don't celebrate with the victories of our hearts, when they don't mourn our painful losses, when they don't participate in our apparent needs, and when they don't give voice to building us up and rather are an instrument in tearing us down. Unsung moments can speak false worth into us, whispering that our identity is earned by others affirmations.

The enemy works diligently in the lives of women in this attack and today I awoke with a bold prayer of Exodus 15:2-3 for my heart and for yours. "THe Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God and I will praise him, my Father's God and I will exalt him. The Lord is a man of war; the Lord is his name. You have led in your steadfast love the people whom you have redeemed; you have guided them by your strength to your holy abode."

What an absolutely beautiful picture of God's pursuit for our heart: that He speaks forth His position in our lives as not only our strength, but also our song. I pray for any unsung moment in your life to be used as a guidance "of His strength to His holy abode." That in any moment where you feel someone may not have celebrated with you, mourned with you, helped you, spoken truth to you that God would fight for your heart. To feel His presence in seeing you; In the ways others may not show up to meet you, You are never unsung in Christ.

Ps. 40:3 "He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." I felt much drawing in these words to pray for the places where our hearts cling to what's not given. The dreams of our hearts that pull us deep and tempt us to waver in our faith of God's provision. As we allow our unsung desires to be given a new song by the Lord, it gives testament of His faithfulness. It speaks truth into these words: "GOds heart ...is not that we escape our lot but that we learn to thrive in the midst of it." deMuth. God is faithful to navigate the deep places of want in your heart and to use them to help you thrive in His steadfastness; For the ways your heart still yearns, You are never unsung in Christ.

Ps. 68:4; Isaiah 51:3

"Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before HIm! ...God settles the solitary in a home; For the Lord comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." God speaks so much in his word in meeting us in the desert places and the deep waters. He is very much an active participant in guiding us thru those uncharted territories so that we never lose our way. In seasons where you may be a witness to others victories and be a daily sojourner in feeling your losses, You are never unsung in Christ.

"Gods heart for you is wholeness." demuth.

Psalms prayer for you: "THe Lord gives the word; the women who announce the news are a great host. Yours statutes have been my songs in the house of my sojourning....

My sister; Christ deeply rooted in you: You are never unsung In Christ.

African Musings...

The fullness of my days in Africa were a teaching of how God is present amidst all circumstances. I am grateful to see God as sustainer thru the growth and the livelihood of our brothers and sisters in our African community.  A different socioeconomic positioning may affect the conveniences allowed in their life, but their joy in Gods presence remains a steadfast assurance in their days and it built me up tremendously. Their faith in God does not rest in how God shows up for them, but simply in the fact, that their worth and their identity is freely given, never earned. 

This brings me to deep tears in knowing how to take this visual reality and apply it to how I make decisions in my livelihood in the States. The faith in God's abiding love remains a choice to embrace, no matter what circumstances surround me. How do i let conveniences allowed in States life to blind me from seeing that love amidst my life challenges?. I never want my heart to forget the plights of my brothers and sisters outstretched around the world and the need to be an active participant in the decisions I make to extend God's love even across the way. It was abundant joy to witness sustainability becoming part of their story. 

It was an emotional journey to witness the harvest of Gichagi vapor center in its entirety. When i left in 2010, the seeds had been planted, but today I saw its full bloom in so many ways, both literally and spiritually. I saw fences surrounding a piece of land that were reaped after hard work in obedience to Christ's leading. I saw soccer teams playing with passion and involvement. IT was a joyful encouragement to see how a safe haven has been built by God using gichagi staff to invest in its people and to create a culture within the center to be a sharpening presence for people who come. The building of it required patience from the rains push backs, grace amidst challenges from the enemy, and faith in God's provision to use the people He positioned within it. There is such joy in being a testament to the steps leading up to this day and to see that God is using those investments to advance the gospel in such a specific way. Furthermore, that this kingdom building is being continued by the beautiful lives of local people following God's call for ministry in their lives. Absolutely incredible! 

I am honored to truly know my African community and to have spent time encouraged in the hospitable warmth in their homes. God continues to use their hospitality to teach me deeply about a life lived in full faith to extend Christ's relentless love and His provision.  Their  generosity within their simplistic lifestyles is both humbling and refreshing. It is a love that I hope to offer in the States and to be someone who takes time to invest in the sharing our lives with others. I learn so much from the ways they are so very relational- always stopping to greet you in joy- to ask about your day with pure intent to know you better- and to lend a hand of support and of encouragement no matter how much they have to offer.  Quantity is never an issue for the quality of their care is not primarily dependent on their own problems, but they also look to the interests of those around them. 

In our  cultures allowed conveniences we often neglect to see the ways others, in other parts of the world, are forced to respond to painful situations. I was met time and again in bearing witness to God's testimonials in the lives of our friends there who have walked painful deaths of losing children, parents, many loved ones and to hear the ways in which resources affected burials and the mourning process. When you hear stories of joy amidst hard pressed moments, you can only sit in deep pondering that joy is truly not dependent on our desired circumstances, but fully granted on a heart at rest in God as cornerstone. 

how to apply?! I know what I know from its teachings; I can not sit idly by, forgetting what I can apply from its time of growth. 

"The eye never forgets what the heart has seen." african proverb 

As I sit now Stateside, my heart attempts to process thru all that I have just experienced and to know what to do with the places to treasure and to ponder upon my heart. I think one of the deepest places my heart has rested is that what is asked of me in Africa is also asked of me in the States: to love others, to care about their plights, and to participate in their story. Shane Claiborne articulated it well as he voiced, "And I think thats what our world is desperately in need of- lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about." Poverty is not an event; its a positioning that often requires support from others to change into sustainability. My community in africa has taught me that I must not use people in financial stretchings as a place to document mission trips of service, but as a means to stop and to sit with others and to hear their story. Third world environments hold a plethora of need that is certain and I always want to have a heart open for the ways I can participate as a helper for change within them. Yet, this trip also reminded me that if I forsake my neighbors and only minister in these event based moments, then i am fully missing the point. The Great Commission is present in far away places as well as the neighboring borders. How am I loving those around me, in relationships, with fellow strugglers? ARe the things that I am most concerned about: orphans, widows, impoverished, the marginalized, sex trafficked only an event of mind- or do I know their stories? Know their names and serve as an advocate for their cause because I walk in relationship with them? 

Person oriented vs. task oriented culture-- African time is something that is the hardest place for me to be at rest without transitioning back home. Sure, there are challenges of its slowness when you look strictly at efficiency in the business world. I remember that tension when trying to build the center. And the task oriented nature of culture in the States yields its success and its growth. Yet, this trip, I savored the bounty of African time. Pole Pole- slowly slowly, that behind african time is people taking time for people. I think back to a quote I read by Paul Tripp that has marked my heart in many ways: "You don't live life in big moments. You live life in the utterly mundane. If God doesn't rule your mundane, then he doesn't rule you." I felt testament to that truth while walking the roads of Ngong. I witnessed mamas serving other mamas by combining laundry to wash together, children helping other children earn enough money for dinner that night, men helping men build homes for their family and people taking time for people for chai time together. How can I connect others to the mundane of our days, and be an example of the gospel? "out of your vulnerabilities, come your strengths." How can i be vulnerable in the messy, weary parts of our days and simply come ready to let the needs combine with others and lets just build up one another? 

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." I believe each of us have places that tenderize our heart in such deepening ways. When we have experienced immense life change, we want to stay there, immersed in its growth. The news portrays most things to its most intense, scariest form. Yet, like most would testify, when you have experienced its goodness, fear no longer succumbs to your foremost thoughts. AFrica romanticizes my heart in the biggest of ways. This trip reminded me of the strong pull that it is for my heart. Although the culture is starkly different than what we know here, I embrace it and I grow so much from it. In this process, I have felt what this quote states: completely undone by its planting in my heart. Because of this, I can cling to it, often times as an idol of heart: comparing my season in the now to fumes of connection in moments lived there. Piper voiced, "the music of the rescued saints is a tremendous means of evangelism." Africa has totally transformed my heart and I pray with every fiber, God continues to not let me forget His work in my heart thru it. He has put a new song in my heart thru my time there, and I pray that this continues to be tremendous means of evangelism in my life. What I realized this trip was that the idol of heart i can easily place for Africa's connection is that the growth that comes from is not from Africa's doing, but from God's desire to transform my heart for His glory. So, what ultimately romanticizes my heart is straight from the relentless pursuit of my Father, to use His positioning as a means to teach me the true marks of the gospel. Something i love about Africa is the matter of simplistic focus you quickly embrace. But, I experienced that in that focus, my heart is less distracted on me, and more on God's work in me. How can I choose moments in my day to set apart from distractions of this culture, and let God 'achieve his greatest expression' in my heart? How can lay aside any places where I idolize and feel God's transforming hand so vividly and know that He is present anywhere, at anytime? 

In walking down the Ngong road leaving, with tears in my eyes from visuals of children running down the hill, and transforming joy in my heart as I witnessed God's faithfulness in his people. I felt the truth of Psalms so deeply: 

"Lord, now you are letting your servant depart in peace, according to your word; for my eyes have seen your salvation that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the gentiles and for glory to your people." 

Interruptions give opportunities...

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night. So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. Let your work be shown to your servants and your glorious power to their children. Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands" ps. 90

To travel with Brett is a mountaintop experience with him: for 5 years I have been a support to him thru the testimonials of his moments in Kenya. Being en route with him to Kenya is such a gift of opportunity. To love on our African community in the proximity of togetherness is such a testament of the work of His hands. I love this visual in Ps. 90 that God is OUR dwelling; be it in Kenya, or in the States, or outstretched around the world- that God draws in His people for the intent of knowing His dwelling- its the place where our hearts live.

As I sit in the ATL airport with 24 hours of flight delays behind me and 5 more hours ahead of me, I feel the pouring of Ps. 90 even more. Kenya, as most of you who may read this will know, is a home of my heart that will always be treasured. But, i am reminded that I can't let my heart miss what's before me here, in the now, because of a yearning to be connected oceans away. God is my dwelling as I am delayed in being there and He is my dwelling as I connect in Kenya. How am I responding to my day with that truth residing in me?

So, naturally, I am eager- most eager to BE there and not in this airport at this time. Its disappointing, its frustrating, but the reality is that its out of my control.
  Interruptions give opportunities otherwise not allowed:
 Forced stillness reaps wandering thoughts to be navigated by the experiences that direct your path. Waiting allows for eyes to be opened to see the moving parts around your circumstances. Thus, allowing you to either choose to embrace what has been given or to mourn what's been lost. 

"Asking God, 'what can I learn?' instead of 'why me?' is a much better place to park our minds." LT

So, as I sit with the opportunity to witness an array of people's reactions to the same circumstance out of our control, I am reminded of "What can I learn?"

Observations of the stilled moments watching people react:

- Extending frustration with intense anger does nothing to help a situation. Instead, it blinds one from seeing how others really are showing support in your need.
- Go with the Flow is such a vital necessity to embrace the moving parts our of our control.
- Interruptions often just magnify what is within. As other parts of life seem overwhelming, interruptions intensify negative emotions often being felt.

Each person has the choice of how life affects their disposition:
= to see the good or the bad
= to focus on disappointment or adaptability
= to let forced stillness teach you or dishearten you.

Although my heartstrings are stretched immensely to miss a full day in Kenya, I am reminded that my opportunity to be there is not of myself in the first place. God has provided for this trip and He knows what moments I need while there. Releasing the tensions as I travel with Brett and focusing on the moments I can see teach me instead of dishearten me. May I not miss the work of His hands because I am too fixated on what's ahead of me. God has me in the now and there are vulnerable, weary hearts all around us. May I fixate on how our reactions to the same situation display His grace and His compassion and give opportunity to speak the gospel into others lives who do not have that dwelling.

Deep calls to deep...

"There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler." Bonhoeffer

As I sit writing and listening to the stilling voice of the ocean, I recollect the ways Hurricane Katrina continues to feed my soul. 10 yrs. The forcefulness of that day spun my heart into a stage of grief that has been navigated in purpose by the Lord. It taught me the deep measures of God's relentless love and the worthy pursuit of the refinement in the time of waiting in the unknown. Thankful for the painful roots of teaching found in these truths-

Even still, He is good.

Tho the sea billows roll, it is well with my soul.

Today, I sit among the calm seas and remember that God's story never ends with ashes.

Grief anchors. Its forceful hand paralyzes the functionality of normal. The loneliness ushered by its neglected approach of community can feed a soul deep lies of oppression. Yet, when the impact is met being deeply called, a miracle happens: Healing occurs.

"Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." Ps 42:7-8

A day marked with collective grief and shattered dreams, I felt the deep roars of every breaker and every wave forcefully crashing over me. It was an unknown turn that completely shifted every direction I was traveling.
Life goals. Community. Investment. Status.
C.S. Lewis said it best as he voiced, "faith is the art of holding onto something, despite the changing moods and circumstances." 10 yrs later and I can look back and see how those turns taught me that I am always tempted to hold onto those same releases in every season. And yet, with each grief that anchors, the journey remains. By day, the Lord commands His steadfast love. Deep keeps calling to deep. And with Him as God of my life, promises are fulfilled in every season.
Healing salves the wounds.

'Deep calls to deep'...vividly, I still remember the impact of grief from Katrina, yet 10 years I can add depths of grief to its breakers and waves. I have witnessed very few live seasons without some type of grief: loss of loved ones, dreams shattered by unfulfilled yearnings, transitions between seasons. Grief ensues from holding onto something that is altered by circumstances. I value being able to say that with each deep need God has met me with his deep grace.

'All your breakers and your waves have gone before me'- Bonhoeffer articulated, "God does not give us everything we want but he does fulfill his promises leading us along the best and straightest paths to himself." As sea billows roll, I am amazed at how perfectly God works to position Himself to go before His loved one. What I have heard voiced the deepest in grief is "I am in deep waters." Some days it can feel like the crash of them will surely drown its victim. Yet, in others, it serves as an anchor keeping one afloat. There have been many deep waters, but God is with me in them all-Always before me, positioning Himself to lead me to His best intended destination.

'By day': Lord commands His steadfast love
'At night': His song is with me.
               A prayer to the God of my life.
Steadfastness has quickly taken root as one of my most loved attributes of My Father. In this world my hope can easily become entangled in desiring others to show up in certain ways. Grief brings a need to replace what was lost, even though nothing could ever compare to its unique treasure. Yet, the enemy awaits in grief to usher loneliness, disappointment and insecurities because emotions of feeling uncared for seep their way into thought and heart. When steadfastness takes root first, then there is no room for hope to remain anywhere else than what's quenching the thirst.
God's ability to show His steadfast love amidst chaos and brokenness remains a continual prayer of gratitude in my heart.

10 years later: Married to a husband who demonstrates His steadfastness. 3 kids who teach me daily of His grace.
Pain from lost loved ones still healing, temptation of heart to hold onto circumstances:
                                         Deep keeps calling to Deep.
                                                            His Steadfast Love Remains.

As the Spirit lingers...

"When a text grabs our attention, we must allow it time to do its work. The Spirit's use of the sword of God's Word (Hebrews 4:12) to pierce into our deep places and bring about sanctification and transformation doesn't always fit neatly into a daily devotional time or a Bible reading plan. Sometimes we need to clear our devotional schedule and linger over a text and wrestle with it, and probe into it, and let it probe into us. Unhurried meditation is what leads to the mind's transformation (romans 12:2), which leads to behavioral application, which leads to lifestyle transformation. Such meditation may only require ten minutes, or it may take ten months. However, the Spirit leads, linger." John Piper

Having 3 babies in 3 years has rocked my 'quiet time' needless to say. I have learned that I rest very well in uninterrupted early morning times with the Lord, and that when those moments are interrupted, that I wrestle with the shaken peace I feel as a result. I have harbored bitterness over early wakers, resentment on comparison of other families who don't have them, and I have been disconnected from the Lord out of my attempt to control that 'sacred hour of quiet time'. These past few months have restored my weary soul so deeply having all 3 kiddos sleeping till 630 and I have had a solid 5-630 in the Word. Sounds so peaceful as I have had my own time to drink an entire cup of hot coffee without reheating it, time to listen to sharpening messages studying Scriptures, prayer time with my husband, and time to journal. My responses toward my day then extended out of a restored, sustained, and encouraged heart. Then my precious 2 yr old figured out a 5am wake up, to which he opens his door, and finds his brother and sister to also wake them up. My hot coffee becomes cold, my scripture reading becomes 1 scripture instead of a chapter, and no quiet moments for prayer time. So, this morning, I brought in my crew, gathered them around a Veggie Tales episode on Jonah and sat in front of John Piper's words written above. "However, the Spirit leads, linger." 

Isaiah 46:4 (NIV) version was my linger. 

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." 

ESV version sustain is voiced as carry. Sustain is also mentioned as 'I have made, and I will bear.' 

This chapter is on Idolatry and how God is teaching the people to have an eye to God in his Word, not in an image. That they should depend on that and GOd's promise to accomplish them all. 

V. 10- "My counsel shall stand; and I will accomplish all my purpose." 

As I lingered on these 2 verses this morning, I felt some truths I have been meditating on resonate in this interrupted quiet time for me. 

 

*  In my painful times, God is strengthening me- In my peaceful times, God is restoring me. But all the time, God is loving me.  

ps. 55:22 tells me that if I "Cast my burdens on the Lord, that He will sustain me, He will never permit me to be moved." 

It is so easy for me to miss the point as I fixate on my restoring times to be quiet, to be in my scheduled control, and to be  the necessity for my day in order to respond in grace. But my spiritual life is sustained by his grace as necessarily and constantly as my natural life by his providence. 

Read a simple, yet profound statement to my heart: "God does not call us to a place, He calls us to Himself." Back to Isaiah 46, I had created 5am solitude with the Lord as my idol, the image of the connection with God I valued as my place. But this week has reminded me that God is a person, not a place of time, but that His Spirit lingers with me thru all interruptions. 

Time is IN His hands- He created it- He bears it with me- and He sustains me in His Word no matter how long of His words I receive in a day. He bears the interruptions, rescues us from its impact, and sustains us in life in Him, despite the circumstances at hand. 

In this season, my interruptions for that sacred hour is little feet hitting the ground running, but I yearn to feel that place of God in Himself and not in my hour. But, that as Elisabeth Elliot voiced, "The heart set to do the Father's will need never fear defeat." Interruptions in my quiet time is not defeat, but its a moment in time where God is teaching me how to linger in His Spirit. 

Time affects so many things: Bad news can devastate an hour to linger with a paralyzing difficulty to focus on God's Word and in that time, the Spirit lingers. When a busy schedule affects the length of time to stay in the Word- meditate on it, study it- the Spirit lingers. His counsel stands no matter the stopped moments in the day. He accomplishes His purpose. 

SO, no matter how your day begins and no matter how it ends, God loves you every second of the day. He holds you steady not because you stop, but because He is the Great 'I AM". He never changes, He never forsakes, He always extends His Steadfast love. 

If you are reading this, know that I am praying for you. I am praying for how God is teaching you to linger in His Word. For it holds the pursuing heart of our Lord, Our Savior, our Rock and our Fortress. His Word holds all of His promises that He will accomplish. Let it linger in your day- be it 5 minutes or 1 hour and a half. Time holds no merit for who we are in Christ and for His purpose in our life. He stands as the foundation for everything. Stand on His rock to hold you as hours feel less. Know that the place is not your identity but that God as person, is the relationship that pursues with no restraint on time. Set to do the Father's will never fearing defeat. 

I had a dream...

I rarely remember a dream and it is also a rarity that I have a recurring one that wakes me up in tears every time. But, this year- 2015- I have dreamed several times a vision of standing in Heaven on judgment day with the Lord. It has guided me in questioning the intent of my efforts in this life and I have been grateful for its impact in my days. 

Let me back up,  the beginning of the year I wrote down Jan. 1 in my journal that my strongest resolution for this year would be that I did not miss God's perspective within my day. I yearn that thru the mundane tasks, thru interrupted moments with the Lord, thru demands and busyness of my week that I would find the glimpses of grace and that I would be able to discern how to stop - to Selah (pause) and stay in a right spirit with the Lord. The Lord has graciously taught me so much this year thru Psalms 51 and some of its teachings have come from some hard ashes: "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  This year has brought more grief moments than seem possible to articulate. I have witnessed and experienced so many tears being poured out for the release of loved ones thru tragic force. The stretchings of this life can either draw you deeper into trusting the Lord or pull you farther from hearing His voice. I pray that my stretchings draw me deeper and deeper to trust in Him. 

Today, I was reminded of this recurring dream as I read Paul Tripp's words, "Its only in the mirror of Gods Word that you see yourself accurately, and only in his grace that you find help for what you see." Within my 2015 resolution prayer was the yearning to truly be able to love others thru Christ's unconditional steadfastness He gives me. Its natural in myself to love others out of the merits of the ways in which they receive my love and affirm it. If I extend to others to have them distant or unresponsive then I naturally want to shut down and say well what's the point. If i extend to others and there is such an inconsistent connection then naturally I feel unaffirmed in the closeness of that friendship. But, in Christ, I am free from that burden to love others merely in my own efforts. I am beyond grateful that God is pursuing my heart to the depths in this arena and that in His grace I am receiving the sanctifying work in loving others without expecting anything in return. I am a work in progress, but the freedom received in being prompted by the Spirit when to encourage others has broken so many chains for my covetous heart. 

In my dream, I am standing before my glorious Father, enthroned in majesty in Heaven, and even now I can feel the emotions of pure awe I felt in that moment. I stood my position ready to hear His voice audibly speak for the first time. Ready to receive, "well done thy good and faithful servant" that I had always been told in those Judgment house halloween church events, but He did not say that. He gently spoke, "my daughter, How did you show my love to those I put in your path?!" 

How were you patient and kind? Were you envious and boastful? How were you arrogant and rude? Were you irritable or resentful? Did you rejoice at their wrongdoings? Did you bear all things? Believe all things? Hope all things? endure all things? 

I felt my defense and I started rambling off excuses for how this person and that person made it quite difficult to show up in that way. "But Lord, I would call them and there would be no answer. I would visit them and there would be no follow up for connection. There were times their words hurt deeply, it was hard to forgive. There were times they did not show up in my suffering and I felt uncared for. and my defense continued. 

Jesus who was sitting beside the Lord as He spoke, stood up and knelt down before me, cupping my face in the palms of his hands. He gently spoke and said, "Trishia, you have watched so many enter my gates this year and you have thought of your home in Heaven more than you can count. I have you on Earth because You are the tangible way that my love is manifested in action to others. Know that I hold you still even as you await your home here with me. I lived my life on Earth so that you would have an example to follow- I died a suffering death so that all the sins you would face would not have to entangle you from seeing me- I arose from death so that you would always be free. Let me be your mirror of Gods Word and let my grace be your voice on loving others. I have placed my Spirit to dwell within you so you can love with patience, with kindness, without envy, without arrogance. Let my grace help you bear all things,  believe all things, hope all things, endure all things and let me 'create in you a clean heart, as I put a right spirit within you.' 

I am sending you back to your journey on earth because I am not finished using your life there. Be affirmed in me, and not in others responses. Be loved in my steadfastness, and not from others inconsistencies. Be content in my purpose thru you, not envious of others paths. I have you in my hands, always, and I have the scars to show you. Now, go and show that to the world around you. 

I wake up, fully amazed at the incredible specifics of that visual with the Lord. Encouraged by the pursuit it brings to put a right spirit within me. a heart free of envy, of bitterness, of resentment. Open for the Lord to pour out His love to those He has purposed to speak to thru the journey of my days.